My Surgery is still two weeks away (July 31st) and, while everything appears cool and calm on the outside, an evil presence is lurking just beneath the surface. I think even my husband would have to agree that I am normally a pretty calm, patient person, not prone to irrational outbursts or generally rude behavior, which only confirms that I have, in fact, been possessed.
What I want to know is, by whom, and what have they done with the real me?
Here are a few examples of the behavior exhibited by the alien entity:
Two Fridays ago I pulled into the gas station at work. Every pump was taken and there was one person in front of me. It seemed like everyone must’ve arrived at the same time because 10 minutes later, I was still waiting. Then, some shmuck pulls in behind me and when the first car pulls away, he swoops in and takes the spot.
The real me would’ve gotten peeved about this but would have seethed in the privacy of my own car for as long as it took me to process my anger. But the evil me jammed her car into park, flung open the door and stomped over to the offender’s car while all of her coworkers looked on. She banged on the window and, mouth set in a tight line, dared the poor guy to roll down his window.
When he finally did, the evil me told him in no uncertain terms that he had cut in front of her and that he needed to pull out right now so she could pull in. Wide eyed, the guy rolled up his windows and peeled out of the spot intended for her.
The Following Day, the evil me got into a one-sided argument with the pharmacist at CVS. Here’s how it went:
Her: (placing the CVS brand ear plugs on the counter) – You have no Mack’s ear plugs. The sign says Clearance, so are you going to continue carrying them or are you discontinuing them?
Nice Pharmacist: If there aren’t any on the shelf, we must just be out of them.
Her: Clearance usually means you’re no longer going to carry the item anymore. So which is it, are you just out of stock or will you no longer be carrying them?
Nice Pharmacist: (dodges the question by asking her if she has a CVS card).
Her: Pulls out the CVS card, thrusts it at him and says, “Not that it’s ever earned me a damned thing, but here you go.”
And last Friday, after receiving yet another request from my secondary insurance company asking me if I have additional insurance that was primary to them (for the fourth time this year), I dial the toll-free number, listen carefully to the next seventeen automated menus and finally end up with a live person.
It was at this point that the evil me took over. Here’s how the conversation went:
Her: I want to know why I keep getting these letters in the mail accusing me of having Other Health Insurance (OHI) that is primary to you. For the love of God, people, I DO have health coverage that is primary to you. And for the umpteenth time, I’m telling you again. Would you please just get your system updated already and stop sending me these stupid letters?
Customer Service Rep: Did you fill out the OHI questionnaire?
Her: No. And I’m not going to. I want you to go into your system right now and update your records. I have no faith that sending yet ANOTHER piece of paper with that same information through the mail is going to result in you getting my information updated.
Customer Service Rep: You need to fill out the form.
Her: Click. Picks up phone and dials again. New Customer Service Rep gets on the phone. The Real Me temporarily slays the beast and takes over.
Customer Service Rep: (after hearing the same story but told in a very sweet manner acknowledges that I’ve called multiple times in recent months) – You need to fill out the form.
Real Me: Okay.
Customer Service Rep: But you can do it online if you’d like. Just create an account and within ten days we’ll mail you your special PIN number. Then you can log in again, enter your PIN number and complete the ten-page survey on line.
Real Me: Okay, I’ll do that. Thank you for your help.
REWARD OFFERED for information that leads to the identity capture of Evil Me. And seriously, would Surgery Day just hurry up and get here before the evil me completely ruins my reputation?
What about you? Does stress sometimes cause you to act in a way that is not you? Have you ever been possessed by aliens? I want to know!
I love hearing from you. And to prove it, for every comment you leave, you’ll be entered into a drawing. At the end of the month, I will draw a lucky winner who will receive a $10 gift card (your choice, Amazon, Starbucks or iTunes). Winners will be announced in the first post of the following month.