There are those who say fate is something beyond our command; that destiny is not our own. But I know better. Our fate lives within us. You only have to be brave enough to see it. princess merida (Brave)

As … Read the rest →]]>  

There are those who say fate is something beyond our command; that destiny is not our own. But I know better. Our fate lives within us. You only have to be brave enough to see it.
princess merida (Brave)

As usual, I am a day late and a dollar short. At least when it comes to watching movies. Last weekend I finally watched the movie Brave. And may I just say bravo! to Disney for finally giving the world a princess worthy of adoration?

The film tells the story of a princess named Merida who defies an age-old custom, causing chaos in the kingdom by refusing to be betrothed. After consulting a witch for help, Merida accidentally transforms her mother into a bear and is forced to undo the spell herself before it is too late.

Last week, in my post The Practice Marriage, I discussed a phenomenon called The Princess Fantasy, in which little girls grow up believing that love is a (thornless) bed of roses, and marriage will make us happy (once we find our Prince Charming). While my opinion has not changed on the subject, I do believe that if the movies screens were filled with more princesses like Merida, our daughters might grow up with a fighting chance at a happily-ever-after. They might actually grow up knowing that their destiny is their own, that they can be whatever they choose to be, and that marriage is optional (at least in this country).

Here are the three takeaways I got from the movie:

One: Be the Hero in your own Journey
When it comes to finding your life’s path, do what you love. If you’re not sure what you love, try things on until you find what fits because, when you do what you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

When I graduated from high school, I had no clue as to what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I only knew that college was not for me. Until the day, five years later, that I decided to become a CPA. Ignoring the fact that I had failed my first accounting class (seriously), I applied to Loyola University of Chicago, studied hard and graduated with honors. Since then, I have worked every single day of my life.

This is your life. Your destiny. Be brave enough to see it.

Two: You Can’t Change Others
Merida put a spell on her mother to change her mind about making her marry against her wishes. Unfortunately the spell turned her mother into a bear. However, in the end, her mother acquiesced and sent the would-be suitors away.

Many years ago I decided that I no longer wanted to be a CPA. I quit my job and decided to pursue nursing. My father, whose approval I’d always sought, was extremely unhappy with my decision. Nursing is a noble profession—my sister Pamela is a nurse—but my father didn’t want me to be like my sister. He wanted me to be like him. His son, Suzanne, he used to say (this moniker started when I was young and I cut off my long locks and wore a baseball cap all the time).

The moral of the story is this. The people who love us want the best for us, and often they feel they know what will make us happy. We all want to be loved and accepted by those we love, but at the end of the day, you are the one who has to live your life. If you do what makes you happy, the people who truly love us will come around. And we won’t have to turn them into bears.

Three: If You Dare to Call Yourself a Princess, Know the Rules!

Little girls want to be princesses; teenaged girls want to call themselves princesses. To the latter group, being a princess is all about the attitude. The Princess Attitude.

The Princess Attitude exempts the princess from responsibility because a real princess has servants to do the more mundane tasks in life like washing dishes, walking the dog and cleaning their room.

A Princess Attitude exempts the princess from following the golden rule—treat others as you would like to be treated—because a real princess could have anyone who dares to disagree with her beheaded or banished to the dungeon for life.

A Princess Attitude entitles the princess to a lifetime of riches for which the princess has to lift not one finger.

But, as the Queen in Brave points out, being a real princess is not as simple as it seems. Here are the Princess Rules:

A Princess:
1. Must be knowledgeable about her kingdom. The modern-day version of this might be, be knowledgeable about world events.
2. Does not doodle
3. Does not chortle
4. Rises early
5. Is compassionate
6. Is patient
7. Is cautious
8. Is clean
9. Does not place her weapons on the table (a princess should not even have weapons)
10. And above all, a Princess strives for perfection

And so, girls, if you dare to call yourself a Princess, be sure to know the rules! You might just change your mind.

What about you? Have you seen the movie? What advice would you give to someone just graduating from high school? Do you think we have a princess epidemic in the world today?

Last week I watched Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday featuring author and “relationship expert,” Tracy McMillan. Author of I Love You and I’m Leaving You Anyway is perhaps best known for her controversial article in the Huffington Post entitled, Why You’re … Read the rest →]]>

Last week I watched Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday featuring author and “relationship expert,” Tracy McMillan. Author of I Love You and I’m Leaving You Anyway is perhaps best known for her controversial article in the Huffington Post entitled, Why You’re Not Married.

After watching the show, I read the article, which highlights the six reasons why women (who want to be married) are not married. It got me thinking.

The reasons why women who want to be married aren’t married are the same reasons (with the exception of reason number three) why I am divorced. Twice. And why Ms. McMillian herself is thrice divorced.

As a woman, I can honestly say that I was totally unprepared for marriage the first time around. It boils down to this:

The Princess Fantasy and Why Men Take So Long to Commit:
With the proliferation of Disney princesses, today more than ever our daughters are growing up with an unrealistic expectation of what marriage is and what it can do for them. They grow up believing—with every fiber of their being—that marriage will make them happy.

It won’t because, as McMillan points out,once the initial high wears off, you’ll just be you, except with twice as much laundry.

Most girls, by the time they grow up, have a pretty clear picture of what their wedding dress will look like, who their brides maids will be, and the song that will play during the first dance with their (still faceless and nameless) groom. Many even know what they’ll name their first child (I was going to have a daughter named Sarah). Unfortunately, girls are taught to look forward to the wedding, not the marriage and all that it entails. It’s why we are so quick to say yes!

Men, on the other hand, have a more realistic expectation of marriage. Most couldn’t care less about the actual wedding. They understand one thing. Their single days are over. Or, as McMillan puts it, marriage for men involves sacrificing their most treasured possession—a free-agent penis. It’s why they wait so long to propose.

Prince Charming and the White Stallion:
What would a princess fantasy be without Prince Charming? Every girl wants to marry a tall, broad shouldered, good looking man with a good job and a steady income. What she should want is a man of character.

Instead we fall for men who are emotionally unavailable and end up broken hearted when our attempts to convince him that he can’t live without us have surprisingly failed. Again. We fall for men who aren’t our intellectual, spiritual or emotional equals. Who don’t share the same life goals and values that we do.

We do this because we don’t know ourselves well enough. Don’t love ourselves fully. Don’t yet understand our own worth. Unfortunately, I didn’t learn these things before my first marriage. Or my second. Truth be told, I didn’t learn them before my current marriage either. But this time, because I married a man of substance, I’ve come to know and love myself in ways that (in my opinion) only come with age. And maturity.

And until we reach this point, most of us are unprepared for what comes after the wedding. After the honeymoon. Marriage is hard work. It’s compromising, even when you don’t want to compromise. It’s apologizing, even when you know you’re right because his feelings are more important than your pride. It’s loving someone even when they don’t deserve it because there will be days when you don’t deserve it either.

If there was one piece of advice I could pass along to my daughter (and wish my mother had passed along to me), it would be this. Before you marry, wait until you know yourself fully, love yourself completely. And then, choose your partner wisely.

What about you? Did you marry young? Looking back, do you think you were fully prepared for marriage in your twenties? What about your thirties?