And so, without further ado, bring on the laughs.

My husband suffers from a condition called Male Pattern Forgetfulness. Perhaps yours does, too. I’ll use an example to illustrate the symptoms of this insidious disease for which there is no known cure.

Last night I reminded my husband (for the second time this week) that I was having dinner with my critique partner, just like I do every other Thursday night. So when I received an email at 4 o’clock in the afternoon asking me what we were doing for dinner, was I surprised? No, I was not.

When I got home from dinner, my husband was digging through his closet. “Whatcha doin?” I asked. As is customary when he is concentrating, he ignored me. A little while later (after I’d moved onto something else), he emerged from the closet triumphant, a shoe box in his hands.

He came into the bathroom where I was now brushing my teeth and readying for bed. Setting the box on the counter, he pulled out an old pair of running shoes. “My favorite pair of ASIC’s bit the dust today,” he said. “These are the shoes I wore in the CaliMan half ironman triathlon we did in 2004. Knowing they don’t make them anymore, I put them away for later and forgot about them until now.”

I stood before him, dumbfounded, and blinked. Twice. After spitting out the toothpaste and rinsing my mouth I said, “So, let me get this straight. After having reminded you not once but twice, you couldn’t remember that I was having dinner with Patricia tonight, but you can remember what shoes you wore in a triathlon NINE YEARS AGO??!!”

And then the realization that had been there before me for some twelve years (since I met him) finally found purchase. My darling husband does not suffer from Male Pattern Forgetfulness. He suffers from Selective Listening Disorder.

I was so relieved to learn this because, thankfully, there is a cure for Selective Listening Disorder. Here’s what you do. Stand in front of your husband without saying a word. It may take some time for him to realize you are there.

I should point out that you must be fully clothed. The goal is, after all, to get him to actually listen to you.

Once he makes eye contact (and do wait for the eye contact) tell him what you have to say. Then–and this is the key—have him repeat back to you what you just told him. It may take a few times for him to get it right, but be patient with him. He is learning a new (and quite possibly foreign) skill, after all.

Please understand that this is no way guarantees that he’ll actually remember what you say, but it does significantly increase the odds.

How about you? Does your man suffer from Selecting Listening Disorder? How have you dealt with this disturbing disorder?

By the time you read this, I’ll either be on my way to, in, or recovering from my bilateral mastectomy. In my absence I’ve decided to hand over the reins *clenches jaw* to my husband (pictured above). But before I let him have his say, let me set the stage for today’s post:

Last week I asked my husband to stop at the grocery store on his way home to pick up a few items that we needed. The conversation that ensued went as follows:

Him: Hmmmmm…Why don’t you add to your BLOG about how I do the grocery shopping, laundry, garbage, etc. AND sleep with a teddy bear! Oh wait, you already did that last part (see previous post)

Me: I will be sure to extoll more of your virtues in future blogs.

Him: You need to go through me…you don’t have copyrights to my life!

Me:  Yes I do, it’s in the contract. You should read it. But it does give you equal opportunity to start your own blog.

Him: What contract?

Me: The one they gave us in Turks and Caicos (where we got married). The addendum to the marriage contract. But I’ll tell you what, in order to give you the chance to set the record straight about who does what in our family, I’ll let you take over my blog for a day. He jumped at the chance and so, without further ado, here is a Letter From My Hubby:

Dear Friends, Family and Fans of Suzanne Whitfield Vince,

First, I’d like to thank my darling wife for giving me the opportunity to address all of you and to set the record straight on a few matters. First of all, I want you all to know that I am my wife’s biggest fan. I fully support her writing career and everything that involves. In fact, last summer I went with her to the RWA conference. Wow, that’s a lot of estrogen in one place. But it was cool.

But enough about her. Let’s talk about me and how hard it is to live under a microscope now that my wife has a blog. I mean, literally everything I say can and will be used against me in a future blog. She’s already accused me of having Male Pattern Forgetfulness, which is not even a real disorder, and ratted me out about sleeping with a teddy bear. The next thing I know she’ll be telling you that I watch The Real Housewives of Orange County (and New Jersey, which is a TOTAL train wreck), Tia and Tamara, and Little People in a Big world which is completely untrue, but when I confront her about any of it? Her response is, “I’m a fiction writer, honey. Everyone knows it’s all just made up stuff.”

Yeah, right. But today the stage is mine, so let me tell you a few things about her. Oh, wait, I’d better not. Instead I’ll just tell you how lucky I think my wife is. Whiles she cooks and does dishes, I take out the garbage, do the laundry (I even fold and put away) and the grocery shopping and, most importantly, I get up early every weekend with our dog Max, who can’t seem to sleep past 5am even after almost 5 years, so that my lovely wife can sleep in.

And, I’ve taken two weeks off work to care for her after her surgery today. I will tend to her every need without complaint. Her wish will be my command. Hungry? Not a problem. Fluff the pillows? You got it. Go buy me season two of Downtown Abby or the new John Mayer album? Right away, Dear. And I will do it with bells on because she deserves nothing less.

And speaking of John Mayer, my wife recently went public with her (one-sided) love affair with John Mayer and that I’m okay with it. I wanted to confirm that I am, in fact, okay with it because I have a similar relationship with Colbie Caillat.

And so dear friends, the next time you read something questionable in her blog about me, feel free to ask me. Just send an email to Suzanne@SuzanneVince.com with the Subject: ASK HUBBY. I will promptly reply to your question.

Thank you once for giving me the chance to vent set the record straight.

Sincerely,

HUBBY (aka Will)

What about you? Anyone else a victim of their significant other’s blog? Can I get an Amen?