Who Are You, and What Have You Done With the Real Me?

Photo courtesy of Google Images
Dr. Evil. Photo courtesy of Google Images.

My Surgery is still two weeks away (July 31st) and, while everything appears cool and calm on the outside, an evil presence is lurking just beneath the surface. I think even my husband would have to agree that I am normally a pretty calm, patient person, not prone to irrational outbursts or generally rude behavior, which only confirms that I have, in fact, been possessed.

What I want to know is, by whom, and what have they done with the real me?

Here are a few examples of the behavior exhibited by the alien entity:

Two Fridays ago I pulled into the gas station at work. Every pump was taken and there was one person in front of me. It seemed like everyone must’ve arrived at the same time because 10 minutes later, I was still waiting. Then, some shmuck pulls in behind me and when the first car pulls away, he swoops in and takes the spot.

The real me would’ve gotten peeved about this but would have seethed in the privacy of my own car for as long as it took me to process my anger. But the evil me jammed her car into park, flung open the door and stomped over to the offender’s car while all of her coworkers looked on. She banged on the window and, mouth set in a tight line, dared the poor guy to roll down his window.

When he finally did, the evil me told him in no uncertain terms that he had cut in front of her and that he needed to pull out right now so she could pull in. Wide eyed, the guy rolled up his windows and peeled out of the spot intended for her.

The Following Day, the evil me got into a one-sided argument with the pharmacist at CVS. Here’s how it went:

Her: (placing the CVS brand ear plugs on the counter) – You have no Mack’s ear plugs. The sign says Clearance, so are you going to continue carrying them or are you discontinuing them?

Nice Pharmacist: If there aren’t any on the shelf, we must just be out of them.

Her: Clearance usually means you’re no longer going to carry the item anymore. So which is it, are you just out of stock or will you no longer be carrying them?

Nice Pharmacist: (dodges the question by asking her if she has a CVS card).

Her: Pulls out the CVS card, thrusts it at him and says, “Not that it’s ever earned me a damned thing, but here you go.”

And last Friday, after receiving yet another request from my secondary insurance company asking me if I have additional insurance that was primary to them (for the fourth time this year), I dial the toll-free number, listen carefully to the next seventeen automated menus and finally end up with a live person.

It was at this point that the evil me took over. Here’s how the conversation went:

Her: I want to know why I keep getting these letters in the mail accusing me of having Other Health Insurance (OHI) that is primary to you. For the love of God, people, I DO have health coverage that is primary to you. And for the umpteenth time, I’m telling you again. Would you please just get your system updated already and stop sending me these stupid letters?

Customer Service Rep: Did you fill out the OHI questionnaire?

Her: No. And I’m not going to. I want you to go into your system right now and update your records. I have no faith that sending yet ANOTHER piece of paper with that same information through the mail is going to result in you getting my information updated.

Customer Service Rep: You need to fill out the form.

Her:  Click. Picks up phone and dials again. New Customer Service Rep gets on the phone. The Real Me temporarily slays the beast and takes over.

Customer Service Rep: (after hearing the same story but told in a very sweet manner acknowledges that I’ve called multiple times in recent months) – You need to fill out the form.

Real Me: Okay.

Customer Service Rep: But you can do it online if you’d like. Just create an account and within ten days we’ll mail you your special PIN number. Then you can log in again, enter your PIN number and complete the ten-page survey on line.

Real Me: Okay, I’ll do that. Thank you for your help.

The Evil Me photo by Suzanne Whitfield Vince
The Evil Me photo by Suzanne Whitfield Vince

REWARD OFFERED for information that leads to the identity capture of Evil Me. And seriously, would Surgery Day just hurry up and get here before the evil me completely ruins my reputation?

What about you? Does stress sometimes cause you to act in a way that is not you? Have you ever been possessed by aliens? I want to know!

I love hearing from you. And to prove it, for every comment you leave, you’ll be entered into a drawing. At the end of the month, I will draw a lucky winner who will receive a $10 gift card (your choice, Amazon, Starbucks or iTunes). Winners will be announced in the first post of the following month.


13 comments on… “Who Are You, and What Have You Done With the Real Me?”

  1. Melissa Lewicki

    I don’t think you have been possessed. I think you are a totally reasonable person in a very unreasonable world.

  2. Chrysan Mutchler

    Suzanne, I actually really admire the “evil” you that stood up for yourself at the gas station. You had every right to do so. While I think that your upcoming surgery has something to do with this change in you, I also believe that it is a part of our development that makes us finally stand up for ourselves i.e. don’t mess with women over 50:)! I enjoyed reading this and can relate wholeheartedly. I wish you a very successful surgery and recovery.

    • Hi Chrysan! So nice to see you here in blog-land. You know, you’re right. Something about turning fifty flipped that switch. I’m far more inclined to stand up for myself and what I believe in (rather than being a passive observer). Thanks for the well wishes 🙂

  3. It is so hard to keep your temper, when so many people are so incompetent. So keep speaking up. I don’t know if it will matter, but it will probably make you feel better. In the meantime, I am praying that all will go well with your surgery.

  4. Nancy J

    I feel your pain. My usual stress valve is humor. I try to let other things roll off my back. I did have a situation with a colleague years ago that was so out of character it was like someone lit me on fire. I told her off, in front of our team, in a grand way. I was articulate and specific and basically “channeled” the thoughts of me and my peers. It was like a floodgate of frustration that had developed over 5 years of working with her. In the moment, it felt fantastic. The problem was that after the fact I felt terrible. It didn’t matter that everything I said was true. It isn’t my style to flog someone over the head with details about why they are inept (especially in front of other people). I made it a point after that to focus on finding my own happy place, no matter what level of stress is swirling around me. You’re in a difficult, personal situation that sucks; but here’s hoping you can find you own “happy place” to keep the stress scales balanced. 🙂

    • I can’t imagine it, Nancy. You? I guess it does happen to the best of us sometimes. Humor usually works for me, too. Usually 🙂

  5. Oh, it was those Deliverance Dudes you saw in Hawaii on the road to watch the sunset. It was those guys who took over your soul. You should have just given them what they wanted – a sacrificial virgin. Next time stay away from tourist traps like that.

    But, now that I’m said that, I too have had weird wack-o moments, where I do something out of character and then I have to stop and say “What the heck just happened?”

    Usually I just stand my ground (or place in line) and say, very audibly, something like “Apparently it’s okay to cut in line on Tuesday (or substitute any day of the week).” Usually someone else around me who has been equally offended makes some kind of similar comment and we embarrass the heck out of the wrong-doer. Well sometimes. Most of the time rude wrong-doers don’t really give a rat’s ass if they’ve cut in line.

    In fact, since I’m on my tirade, one time at Disney World, my husband and I were waiting about twenty minutes in line for an attraction and right up when it was almost time to board the ride a couple in front of us waved over about 10 people to join them. My husband and I started objecting and saying rude things to them and the people around us joined in. The line-jumpers turned around and said, “Sorry,” but just went ahead and boarded the ride. All except one 10-year-old boy who was too embarrassed to join his group and he slunk back out of line to wait at the end of the ride for his group. Did we feel bad for the boy? No, we admired him for doing what was right by not line-jumping. And we told him so as he was slinking away.

    So, there you go for whatever it’s worth.

    And for whatever else it’s worth, you are entitled to be a little cranky right now. Just don’t let it bother you. But, I don’t want to see your evil twin on Thursday.

    Patricia Rickrode
    w/a Jansen Schmidt

  6. You go, Evil Girl! Take names and kick butt! You gotta right the wrongs of the numbskulls! And yes, I am just as cranky MANY days — and I don’t even have a surgery scheduled in 2 weeks!

  7. Linda Harrel

    LOL, NOW you understand the awful confusion, anguish, and simply terror that is acquainted with major surgery! I did fine, you will do fine…..
    Don’t worry, put your faith in God, and the physician, and family caring for you.
    And when all else fails, give me a call, and I will bring you your favorite from Taco Bell!
    Focus, not on the negative, but the positive of what this surgery means for you, and how it will extend your life.
    Chin up Suzanne, that is one of the things that I admire most about you, you are a gutsy gal! L.

  8. You are entitled to feel and exhibit a little stress. And I’m sure you have plenty of sweet behaviour credits in the bank to more than cover any minor incidents now 😛

    I was possessed by an alien when I was retrenched a year ago. I snapped off heads, wallowed in my own misery, refused to eat, and was a rotten bore to my friends. Fortunately they forgave me 🙂

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