The Bitch Movement, Join it Today!

Bitch on Wheels pic Last Sunday, in preparation for the rollerblade marathon I committed to do with my sister Pamela next month, I went for a twenty mile skate. And I noticed an interesting phenomenon. Oh, I’d noticed it before, but this time, in an effort to ignore my deep suffering (did I mention it was a very hilly course on a windy day), I really noticed it.

I skate on the American River Bike Trail in Sacramento, which is an off-road trail for bicyclists, runners and yes, roller-skaters. Before recently, I’d only ever biked, run and walked the trail. What I’ve noticed since I began skating on the trail is that, without failure, when men on bicycles pass me, they give me a wide birth. And most say something pleasant to me like, “way to make it up that hill,” or, “nice job.” Some have even commented on my assets.

Women on the other hand, without failure, ride as close to me as they can while passing. A total bitch move. One woman this past weekend even came to a screeching stop beside me and said, “Oh God, I didn’t even see you. I almost hit you.” Seriously? So she didn’t see the electric purple shorts with the fluorescent green stripe and the arms and legs flailing out behind me? Total bitch move.

This got me wondering. Before I became a skater, when I rode my bike past someone on rollerblades, did I pull a bitch move and nearly sideswipe every skater I came across? The answer? Probably. Because, until I started training for this inline marathon, I thought skating was easy. Something people (mostly chicks) did because they were afraid of real exercise. A TOTAL bitch thought!

This got me thinking. We all know that female dogs are bitches. Even my precious little Annabelle Hope is a bitch.

Annabelle at 4 months. Photo by Suzanne Whitfield Vince.
Annabelle at 4 months. Photo by Suzanne Whitfield Vince.

And not just because she’s a female dog. Annabelle will wait until her brother is done eating before she starts eating her own food just to torture the already anxiety-ridden boy. A total bitch move. And when Max steps inside the perimeter of her personal  space, she growls ferociously and lunges at him. Another bitch move.

And I don’t even think I need to tell you about my two female cats. They are total bitches.

And then I realized that being a bitch is not species-related. Being a bitch is an attitude. Like the one I get when I pay nearly $5 for a Latte at Starbucks and it doesn’t even taste good (my husband can vouch for this).  Or when I’m tired or hungry and you want me to do something (anything) that I don’t want to do.

Dr Evil If you’ve followed my blog for any length of time, you know I’ve tried to blame my bitch-ness on Dr. Evil, and Mini-Me. I’ve tried to blame it on cancer and surgery and anesthesia. But the truth is, I can be a bitch. I can be a bitch.

I can be a bitch.

And I am hereby and forever owning my inner-bitch. In fact, I’ve decided to start a movement.

The Bitch Movement.

The Bitch Miley Video

It’ll be an exclusive club, not everyone can join because, well, not everyone is a bitch. My mother would never have been allowed in because she simply didn’t have a mean bone in her body. My sister Pamela might not even be granted membership. Here are the rules of membership:

  1. Must have committed at least three bitch moves in the past six months
  2. Must provide a sworn affidavit of at least one of said bitch moves (note: husbands are usually more than willing to sign affidavits)
  3. Must be willing to proudly display membership logo (see below).

Bitch Kitty Mascot 3 Hello Bitchy You too can be a card-carrying member of the Bitch Movement. Membership cost is $10. Here is what you get:

  1. Laminated wallet card certifying that you have joined the Bitch Movement
  2. A t-shirt (specify size) with the Bitch Movement logo
  3. A Bitch Movement bumper sticker

To enroll one of your pets, please include a photo of the animal engaged in a bitch move.

Membership not limited to females only. What about you? What was your last bitch move?

11 comments on… “The Bitch Movement, Join it Today!”

  1. Funny post, Suzanne. I can attest with you that skating is not an easy sport. I much prefer biking to skating. Kudos to you!

  2. Well of course I am not worthy of this club. (Yeah right.) I’m not sure I’ve committed an intentional “bitch move,” but I have had bitchy thoughts – a lot lately.

    I will pull a “bitch move,” IF someone else instigates a “bitch move” first, especially in traffic. If someone starts playing road games with me – oh honey – game on. I will bitch slap you so hard you’ll never engage in this activity again. (Unless someone else is in the car with me, then I’ll suck it up.)

    My husband’s horse was a bitch – all the time. I did not like that horse.

    Fun post and good luck with the marathon. You’re a mighty warrior – you’ve got this.

    Patricia Rickrode
    w/a Jansen Schmidt

  3. Super funny post, Suzanne. I’m impressed with the Logo! Very clever! I’m sure my hubby would sign me up, especially since I’ve enrolled him in a 28-Day Detox Bootcamp we started yesterday in hopes of getting healthy! Haha! I started up a club called “Airheads Anonymous” on my blog. Maybe I should try to recruit some more new members and charge a fee, too! I didn’t think of that! Thanks for that idea! 🙂

    • Good for you for getting healthy, Lynn! I’m sure a few fun blog posts will come out of the boot camp. Maybe one day we can merge our clubs, we can call it the Airhead Bitches. 🙂

  4. Man, do you have my respect for marathon inline skating. You go girl! *snap*

    I remember tubing down the American river with friends who lived in Grass Valley years ago. It was so scenic. Just beautiful. So I can image riding a bike or skating in that area would be amazing.

    Isn’t it funny how when roles are reversed it helps us see the big picture. Our attitude plays a big part in how we view things which has an influence on our actions. So I promise to give you a wide berth when I pass by on my bike. 🙂

    Best wishes on the marathon!

    • Hi Karen! Yep, I’ve run and walked marathons before, but skating one is proving harder than I anticipated. I like what you said about role reversals giving us a different perspective. It sure does. If nothing else, it gives us a healthy dose of humility, which we all can use sometimes! Thanks for stopping by. Always wonderful to see you.

  5. Pamela

    OMG! Funny Suz! At the risk of bursting your bubble, I have to admit to a very active (inner) bitch! Do thoughts count?! And of course we know that my Maltese, Jazzy, invented the word. Where do i send her $10 to?! Hey, can we use your logo on our skate outfits for the marathon?

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